Outfit Post: Going easy on myself

I am hard on my body.

I spend countless hours hunched over my laptop, eyes squinting and straining long into the night. I jam my feet into constricting pointy-toed flats and spindly high heels. I nurse blisters while logging miles on the treadmill. Tight skinny jeans are an integral part of my wardrobe. I toss and turn so much when I sleep that I wake with some fantastic kinks in my neck and back. And I was downright sadomasochistic when I was in the throes of my eating disorder.

For years I believed that pampering was selfish and self-indulgent. I refused to participate in anything I considered luxurious and unnecessary, including taking baths, shopping (I know, can you believe it?) napping, and even taking an Advil when I had a headache. I prided myself on my ability to push through exhaustion and deprive myself. Ultimately, this was about staying disconnected from my body. I was so uncomfortable with feeling that I did everything possible to prevent it. The goal was to keep myself as numb as possible.

Over the past few years I've learned how important self-compassion is. People who neglect their own needs and forget to nurture themselves are more susceptible to low self-esteem and feelings of resentment. Also, those who spend the majority of their time focusing on others while ignoring their own needs can be at risk of burning out. The NY Times recently featured an article expounding on the importance of self-compassion. People who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety, and tend to be happier and more optimistic. Preliminary data also suggests that self-compassion can even influence how much we eat, and may help some people lose weight.

Thankfully, being nice to yourself doesn't require a ton of money or big investment. It can be as simple as taking a walk, grabbing a cup of coffee, or listening to music. I don't go for expensive indulgences or anything complicated...actually, the simpler the better. Here are my favorite ways to pamper myself:

1. Fresh flowers: I think I can count the number of times I've bought myself flowers on one hand. Which is really a shame, because they make me feel so good. Whether they're a $5 bunch of daisies from the supermarket or a $60 arrangement of roses and lilies, flowers remind me that I'm feminine and sensual. And they smell nice too.

2. Good wine: It can be tough to rationalize spending more than $10 on a bottle of wine. But having a glass at the end of the day is such a delicious treat. I always feel very grown-up and sophisticated when pouring myself a glass of wine. But, then again, I'm a dork.

3. Baths and bubble baths: Baths are my universal cure-all. Feeling cold? Depressed? Exhausted? There is no more effective cure than sinking into scalding hot water and zoning out. A rich, aromatic bubble bath makes the experience that much better. I'm partial to those from TokyoMilk and Bath and Body Works, though any old kind of bubble bath does the trick. Thick shower gels and lotions make me feel pampered and girlish and remind me to take better care of my skin.

4. Candles: I was never really into candles. I know women who have so many around that their houses resemble monasteries. But in the last two years I've been burning candles more often. They instantly relax me, and they smell so good. My favorite is the Baltic Amber candle from Voluspa - it smells like vanilla, cedar and sandalwood.

5. Time with friends: This one seems silly - being with friends hardly seems luxurious, right? But it's so easy to get caught up in the responsibilities of work, parenting, housekeeping, boyfriends and spouses that we lose track of connecting with others. I've gone through periods where I lived a hermit-like existence, forgetting to return phone calls and emails and neglecting to make time for dinner and drinks with my friends. But I always, always feel better after meeting up with them. Last night I met up with Tina of T Minus T Plus and Erin of Work With What You've Got. I had a great time and feel more confident and connected today as a result.

What are some ways you pamper and take care of yourself? How do you reduce stress? Do you ever find it challenging to take care of yourself?

Forever 21 silk top; Gap Outlet jeggings; thrifted Justin vintage boots; thrifted J Crew denim shirt; thrifted vintage western belt; Forever 21 necklaces; Forever 21 bracelets

Quinceaneras, bat mitzvahs, and ruffles ruffles ruffles

This is embarrassing.

Today I dressed kind of like a goth adolescent preparing for her quinceanera. Not that I've ever been to one, but like I've seen on Wizards of Waverly Place and late-night programming on Telemundo.

I imagine a quinceanera is kind of like a Latin American Bat Mitzvah, minus the Hebrew and phlegmatic accents.  For those non-Jews reading, allow me to explain exactly what it is. A Bat Mitzvah is a rite of passage for a thirteen year-old girl. It's a ceremony symbolizing the passage into Jewish adulthood, requiring years of preparation (in the form of tediously long Hebrew lessons, the consumption of bland, downright bizarre foods (gefilte fish, kugel, and charoset come to mind) and painfully long family traditions. For months beforehand you attend Hebrew school, where you learn violent songs about Passover and practice warbling your Torah portion with an ancient rabbi. On the big Bat Mitzvah day, you climb up onto the synagogue stage and read your Hebrew portion while your parents beam proudly from the congregation. Then you give saccharine-sweet speeches of tearful thanks to your parents and siblings. After synagogue there's a huge reception, either at a catering hall or restaurant, which is decorated with towering balloon sculptures and centerpieces made from fresh flowers and curled ribbons and cartoonish cardboard cutouts.

I had an epic Bat Mitzvah. My mother rented out an entire restaurant and invited every relative in the Tri-State Area (and some strangers from California.) I wore a off-the-shoulder white lace dress with rhinestones and beads and more lace and satin ribbons and pantyhose and white satin pumps. There were ruffles. Many, many ruffles. It was 1986, so it was okay.

The hotness that was thirteen year-old me in my Bat Mitzvah dress, with an entourage of male suitors.

In my adolescent years I attended quite a few Bat Mitzvah's, which was a fairly common experience as a Jewish girl growing up on Long Island. A Bat Mitzvah was announced with invitations constructed from four (or more) layers of embossed cardstock and translucent paper and satin ribbons, and packaged in it's own keepsake box. Each layer of paper symbolized how much money your parents were willing to flush down the toilet for your special special day. Invitations were no joke. Parents scrutinized them like Cold War spies deciphering code intercepted by intelligence agencies.

The typical Bat Mitzvah reception featured thirteen year-old's swaying to loud music (preferably from a band and not, God forbid, a DJ, because ohmygawd a band is like so much classier, you don't even want to know what the neighbors will think if we have a DJ, people will talk), and a Kosher buffet, and elaborately themed centerpieces (usually CANDYLAND!, or ON BROADWAY! or ADVENTURES AROUND THE WORLD!) and distant cousins shoving envelopes stuffed with money in your face. In my days, Bat Mitzvahs also included glow sticks and custom-made tee shirts with the date and location of the event, just in case you forgot where you slow danced for the first time and nearly got kissed right before your Grandma Helen interrupted looking for the ladies room.

As I looked at myself in today's outfit, with it's ruffled beaded sequined tunic, I immediately remembered my bat Mitzvah dress, resplendent in it's ruffled glory. I'll admit that I'm uncertain if this outfit is really me (and the tunic made me photograph lumpier than I actually am....and even after three kids, I'm in pretty decent shape) but I felt like trying something new. What do you think? Does it work or not? Is there something you'd change?

Forever 21 tunic; Gap Outlet jeggings; thrifted Justin boots; Coach bag; Forever 21 bracelets; Betsey Johnson gold watch; target rhinestone pyramid studs